This is a piece I wrote in March... I had been keeping out of relationships for quite a while and just focusing on building my professional portfolio as an actor, director, and filmmaker. Needless to say, without searching for it, I found someone that changed me and reignited my drive to write more consistently. From this encounter, this relationship, this is one of the first full pieces non-theatrical that I wrote. (March 13th)
I can still remember the last time that I cried ... December 2012 ... I had just gotten out of a toxic relationship that drug me down much further than finding out my wife of 5 years had cheated on me, and was pregnant by another man ... a man ... 33 years old and here i am a man that has finally allowed tears to flow from my face after a 5 year drought ... a man ... a man that knowing I'm not read to find someone new, allowed myself to be infatuated by a young woman, again and again after constantly being ghosted by young women and brushing it off, because I am a man ... a man that has been to Iraq 3 times as a Marine ... a man that has also been to Afghanistan 3 times ... a man that spent the first 10 years as an adult constantly n war zones and losing friends knowing it was the price we vowed to pay, but never letting it get me down ... a man ... a man that lost some of my closest family as a child and telling myself they are in a better place and finding a way to rejoice their life rather than go crazy in despair ... a man ...a man that has now allowed this young woman to enter this hardened heart and melt t as if she were the sun and my heart ice ... a man ... a man that told himself that she's too young, this crush will pass just as they always do; it didn't ... a man ... a man that allowed himself to open up as well as be receptive, flirtatious, and ultimately, genuinely like this young woman ... young woman ... this young woman is a coworker ... 20 years old and has the prowess and power of a woman with many more years ... young woman ... a young woman who has already had her far share of life experiences, a young woman who knew how I felt about her well before I really knew how I felt, well before I knew she knew ... young woman ... a young woman who shares so much of the same wants and same desires, which makes this man only want her more ... a man ... a man that told himself he's stupid for always wanting what he can't have, what he shouldn't have ... a man ... a man that allowed this young woman to make him chase her for weeks as if toying him, watching and stalking like prey ... a man ... a man that missed cues to make a move and then weeks later getting called out on it and called a pussy ... a man ... a man called a pussy for not making a move and acting on his human instinct to just go for it ... a man ... a man that took the next opportunity to finally make that move and was so awkward from nerves, "does she really want me or am I just trapped in her game?" ... a man ... a man that went in for that first kiss and failed, failed so big it felt like there was no recovery ... a man ... a man that brushed it off and made that attempt a few nights later by pressing her against the theatre wall and delivering that first kiss; a connection of instant spark that validated every urge, every desire, every thought that just maybe ... this man and this young woman might not be so bad together afterall ... fast forward a week later, nights of innocent and sexual fun, nights of laughter and nights of great conversation, all going back and forth ... a man ... a man is dumped by this young woman saying "nothing is wrong with you, with us" and "you deserve so much better than I can give you right now" ... right now ... right now is exactly what this man has heard time and time again from every young woman that has put herself in the vicinity of this man and his emotions ... "you deserve better" ... you deserver better is a term so cliche and heavily used, and exactly what is always accompanied with "right now" ... a man ... a man that was convinced by a month of this chase and the past week that this could work only to have initial fears, initial concerns, initial thoughts validated by a few sentences so often heard ... a man ... a man that has now remembered the feeling of eyes watering, of tears streaming down his face; a man that in the last year rolled his Tahoe 7 times un-phased by the pain ... a man ... a man that a month later was rear-ended and the t-boned in his new Avalance and had to go to the hospital, still unscathed by waterworks ... a man ... a man that just one more week later was run off the road and into a concrete barrier on his Harley and subsequently laid it down and slid on the highway, not a tear shed through the pain and fear of being in a third accident in less than 2 months and almost dying ... a man ... a man that has let this young woman get him in his feels when he was just fine ... just fine on his own without letting her in ... a man ... a man that let himself cry when he said never again ... never again will he let someone hurt him, never again will he let someone have the upper ground ... never again will he let someone win ... YOU WIN ... I enjoy the hurt ... I enjoy the pain ... I enjoy the tears that have since come down my stupi face ... because I would much rather feel this pain and feel this hurt than being just fine ... just a man ... I'm glad to finally fucking feel again